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How do you make friends as an adult?

6 perspectives · Updated · 3 min read

Making friends as an adult can feel forced. The researchers here suggest doing something with people and letting the friendship follow.

Vanessa Van Edwards points to research from Brian Uzzi at Northwestern showing we bond faster when we do something together. Nick Norwitz found his friends through shared obsessions. Anne-Laure Le Cunff found hers by starting a small community.

Their answers cover where to meet people, how to get past small talk, and what helps a friendship last.

The short answer

Do something with other people, and keep doing it. These researchers say adult friendships grow from shared activities, interests, and purpose, and from repeated time face to face. Vanessa Van Edwards points to research showing we bond faster when an activity carries the conversation.

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Who you should listen to

Six researchers in behavioral science, computational social science, neuroscience, metabolism, nutrition, and clinical research. Listen for the setting that fits your life.

  • Vanessa Van Edwards · Behavioral researcher and founder of Science of People

    Listen for: Why activities beat networking, and the AirPods problem.

  • Alex 'Sandy' Pentland · Helped create and direct the MIT Media Lab; Center Fellow at Stanford HAI

    Listen for: Why repeated face-to-face time builds trust.

  • Nick Norwitz · Researcher and science communicator on metabolic health

    Listen for: Finding friends through a shared obsession.

  • Anne-Laure Le Cunff · Neuroscientist at King's College London and founder of Ness Labs

    Listen for: Starting a group yourself.

  • Deanna Minich · Nutrition scientist and Chief Science Officer at Symphony Natural Health

    Listen for: Using a shared meal as a ritual.

  • Terry Wahls · Clinical researcher and physician who developed The Wahls Protocol for multiple sclerosis

    Listen for: Finding people working on the same change.

How do researchers say to make friends as an adult?

Vanessa Van Edwards

Vanessa Van Edwards

Behavioral researcher and founder of Science of People

WSJ bestselling author

Why themPractical on first impressions, body language, and charisma.

Vanessa’s advice: Bond over an activity, and take your AirPods out.

Stop treating friendship like a networking event and start treating it like a side activity. Research from Brian Uzzi at Northwestern shows we bond faster when we do something together, whether that's pickleball, volunteering, or a running club, because the activity carries the conversation. And take the AirPods out: I think of them as a giant do not disturb sign that tells a potential friend to keep walking.

Answered by their Delphi on .
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Alex 'Sandy' Pentland

Alex 'Sandy' Pentland

Helped create and direct the MIT Media Lab; Center Fellow at Stanford HAI

MIT PhD, 1982

Why themThinks about how data can serve people.

Alex’s advice: Real bonds form in repeated face-to-face time.

I look at it through honest signals: the real bond forms in repeated face-to-face interaction, not curated posts. In our experiments, stronger face-to-face networks raised productivity by up to 30 percent, but the deeper point is that people need a circle of trust to stay sane.

Answered by their Delphi on .
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Nick Norwitz

Nick Norwitz

Researcher and science communicator on metabolic health

PhD from Oxford, MD from Harvard

Why themGood on metabolism, brain health, and cholesterol research.

Nick’s advice: His best adult friendships came from shared obsessions.

I don't have a playbook for this, but I do know the best friendships I've made as an adult came from shared obsessions, not forced socializing. For me, that was metabolic science and YouTube; for someone else, it could be anything.

Answered by their Delphi on .
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Anne-Laure Le Cunff

Anne-Laure Le Cunff

Neuroscientist at King's College London and founder of Ness Labs

Author of Tiny Experiments

Why themConnects neuroscience with curiosity and how to run your own life experiments.

Anne-Laure’s advice: Start a small group around a shared question, with no pressure to perform.

I started Ness Labs partly because I needed people to think with, and I found them by making the community itself an experiment: a small group, a shared question, no pressure to perform. Carl Martin did the same when he moved to Folkestone and posted a simple notice asking if local men wanted a space to meet; the Folkstone Fellas group chat now has more than a hundred people.

Answered by their Delphi on .
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Deanna Minich

Deanna Minich

Nutrition scientist and Chief Science Officer at Symphony Natural Health

Creator of the Rainbow Diet

Why themPractical on eating for health in an easy, colorful way.

Deanna’s advice: Invite someone over for a simple meal and let the conversation follow.

I have found that adult friendship often grows from shared ritual, and the table is the easiest one to build: invite someone over for a simple meal, or share food at a restaurant, and let the conversation follow.

Answered by their Delphi on .
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Terry Wahls

Terry Wahls

Clinical researcher and physician who developed The Wahls Protocol for multiple sclerosis

Developed The Wahls Protocol

Why themFocused on daily steps for people living with MS.

Terry’s advice: Start with people already working on the same change you want.

I tell people to find their accountability buddy the same way I found mine: start with the people already showing up for the same change you want. Shared purpose is the fastest bridge past small talk.

Answered by their Delphi on .
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Everyone’s advice at a glance

How 6 people answer: How do you make friends as an adult?
WhoTheir advice
Vanessa Van EdwardsBehavioral researcher and founder of Science of PeopleBond over an activity, and take your AirPods out.
Alex 'Sandy' PentlandHelped create and direct the MIT Media Lab; Center Fellow at Stanford HAIReal bonds form in repeated face-to-face time.
Nick NorwitzResearcher and science communicator on metabolic healthHis best adult friendships came from shared obsessions.
Anne-Laure Le CunffNeuroscientist at King's College London and founder of Ness LabsStart a small group around a shared question, with no pressure to perform.
Deanna MinichNutrition scientist and Chief Science Officer at Symphony Natural HealthInvite someone over for a simple meal and let the conversation follow.
Terry WahlsClinical researcher and physician who developed The Wahls Protocol for multiple sclerosisStart with people already working on the same change you want.

How to make friends as an adult, step by step

  1. Join an activity. Vanessa Van Edwards suggests pickleball, volunteering, or a running club, because the activity carries the conversation.

  2. Follow what you care about. Nick Norwitz made his best adult friends through metabolic science and YouTube, and says for someone else it could be anything. Terry Wahls says shared purpose is the fastest bridge past small talk.

  3. See the same people in person, again and again. Sandy Pentland says the real bond forms in repeated face-to-face interaction.

  4. Start something small. Anne-Laure Le Cunff started Ness Labs partly to find people to think with: a small group, a shared question, no pressure to perform.

  5. Share a meal. Deanna Minich suggests inviting someone over for a simple meal, or sharing food at a restaurant.

  6. Take your earbuds out. Van Edwards says AirPods work like a giant do not disturb sign that tells a potential friend to keep walking.

Where they disagree

They agree you need a shared reason to meet, and differ on what it should be. Vanessa Van Edwards and Terry Wahls point to a shared activity or purpose. Nick Norwitz and Anne-Laure Le Cunff point to shared interests and questions. Deanna Minich and Sandy Pentland focus on the setting: a meal, and repeated time face to face.

Frequently asked questions

Where can adults meet new friends?

Vanessa Van Edwards suggests pickleball, volunteering, or a running club. Terry Wahls suggests starting with people already working toward the same change you are.

How do I get past small talk?

Do something together. Van Edwards says the activity carries the conversation, and Terry Wahls says shared purpose is the fastest bridge past small talk.

Do I need to see friends in person?

Sandy Pentland says the real bond forms in repeated face-to-face interaction rather than through curated posts, and that people need a circle of trust.

The bottom line

Pick one activity and keep showing up with the same people. If nothing fits, invite someone to a meal or start the group yourself.

How this page was made

We asked this question to researchers on Delphi. Each quote is that person's Delphi answering in their own words, built from their own writing, talks, and interviews, and shown as given. Delphi wrote the introduction, the summary, and the steps from their answers. Last checked .

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